Parent-Child Conflict

Have you ever seen that lopsided expression on a teenager's face - where the mouth is turned upwards on one side only? This expression has probably appeared on your face at some point in your life. However, this lopsided smirk kind of expression is extremely hard to label for most people. So what is it?

It is the expression of contempt. When it appears on a rebelling teenager's face, it is a signal for the parents that new rules of engagement need to be negotiated if this relationship is to continue to work for both parties.

Why rebel? Often times parents have a hard time letting go of the old contract, the old rules of relating to the child. The child outgrows those old rules and is seeking more independence as he or she progresses into adulthood.

Sometimes the child is ready. Other times not. But in any case, eventually the child needs to find his/her own direction, own voice. When one is young, it is perfectly reasonable for the child to follow the parents wishes (most of the time), because parents are more experienced and they do know better. However, as the child grows up and times change - do parents always know better than the child just because they have more life experience?

You cannot always please everyone - and by definition, that includes your parents. Your parents care about you and want what's best for you. However, stemming from this love and concern for your well-being, they may put pressure on you to be who they want you to be or do what they want you to do. This may not necessarily coincide neatly with your own direction in life.

Therein lies the difficulty. Do we please our parents and sacrifice what we really want? Or do we follow our hearts even though it is against our parents' wishes?

Many people's experience is that they have indeed chosen the latter option. Yes, it is difficult to defy your parents' wishes. It is an extremely uncomfortable, unsettling feeling - especially for those of us who are close to our parents. But in the end - who is living your life? Your parents? No. It is you who needs to live with your choices.

If you constantly go through life trying to please your parents in every way, you are doing yourself a complete injustice. Why? Because it effectively cuts you off from great experiences that you could be having - the life that you could be living.

There is always a fear that if it all falls down, your parents will be proven right and the dreaded "I told you so" will happen. But you know what, you will make mistakes, but it is up to you to learn from them so you can do it differently next time.

This is not to say that we should be unreasonable and defy our parents for the sake of it. But if it is something that you really believe in, why not give it a chance? As long as you don't harm others.

So how can we reconcile what we want with what our parents want? I recently learnt a nifty technique called a balancing exercise. This is about getting real and balancing the positives with the negatives.

For any item e.g. starting a new job, list all the positives and then balance each positive with something negative. Allow me to demonstrate:

New Job/Career

Positive => Negative
New opportunities => New challenges
Learning new skills => Forgetting skills that you don't get to use
Money! => Less time for other things

What's the point of this? Often times we just think about the positives of what we are pursuing and neglect the possible negatives.

Newton's third law of motion states:

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

What happens is, while you're all gung-ho and optimistic about what you're going after, your parents are pulling in the opposite direction and raining on your parade.

What does this balancing exercise have to do with parental expectations and what we want? I think perhaps the best way to reconcile the two within yourself is to use our parents' opinions as the "negative" column, and use your own opinions in the "positive" column.

It may be hard to hear what your parents have to say about what you are pursuing, but there is often some truth in what they say. Yes, wisdom from the years that they've walked this earth. Although what they say may be opposed to what you think, there may be elements of their advice that could be incorporated into your thinking pattern.

While it is confronting to think about the negatives, it will keep you grounded and prepared for obstacles that may come. It may be this very opinion that keeps you in check, so you don't fly off with the fairies in the pursuit of your dream. The cold shower, the rain on your parade - call it what you will, but it may actually be good for you.

This is by no means a magic pill. Sometimes parents will continue to disagree with what you want. But at least you can resolve this dilemma within yourself rather than having this internal dissonance churning over and over again. Perhaps if you can show to the parentals that you are dealing with the conflict in a mature way, they will eventually accept things.

Let's hope for the best.