Mastering Your Mind

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is being self-aware. That is, the process of carefully monitoring your own thoughts, speech and actions.

While only you can observe your own thoughts, your speech and actions can be observed by and directly affect others. How many times have we said something to someone that we later on regretted? How many times have we done something that we know others would consider as inappropriate or unskilful?

Humans are social animals. With some exceptions, most of us are constantly interacting with others. Since human interaction is part and parcel of being a member of society, we need to be mindful about managing our words and behaviour in order to enhance our relationships with others.

But where to begin? Our words and actions are a consequence of our inner world. That is, our thoughts and emotions, which interact and reinforce each other. What we think and feel determine how we act and express ourselves.

Consider the following propositions (refer to Diagram):

1. Thoughts and emotions are intertwined.
2. Thoughts and emotions impact directly on yourself and lead to your words and actions.
3. Thoughts and emotions impact on yourself and others through your words and actions.
4. Reactions of others impact on you, which feed back to your thoughts and emotions.
5. The cycle continues in an iterative process.

Impact of Our Thoughts & Emotions

What does this all mean? If the impact of your words and actions on others and yourself stem from your own thoughts and emotions, then it makes sense to first and foremost be mindful of those thoughts and emotions that arise.

Consider the following examples.


Illustrative Examples

1. One of your best friends is habitually late. Often she arrives an hour late to meet you. This has been going on for quite some time but you have always put up with it. Even though it annoys you, sometimes you just tease her about being late. You love her like a sister but you feel like you cannot tolerate this bad habit for much longer. One day she was late again and even forgot her mobile at home so you could not contact her. You are now furious. When she finally arrives, do you:

A. Give her the ‘silent treatment’. Why should I talk to her?
B. Give her a piece of your mind, i.e. tell her what a moron she is.
C. Pretend nothing is wrong but deliberately come one hour late the next time you meet.
D. Tell her calmly that her lateness affects you and the long-term health of this friendship.
E. Do none of the above. You choose an alternative response.

2. You live in a shared apartment with a timetable assigning household chores to all housemates. It is your turn to wash the dishes this week. One of the house rules is that whoever does the dishes that week gets to assign someone to clean the bathroom. You have assigned bathroom duties to Ben but by the end of the week, the bathroom is still a mess. This is not the first time that Ben has neglected his household chores and you are extremely unimpressed with his laziness. Do you:

A. Clean up the bathroom yourself. If you don’t do it, no-one else will.
B. Yell at him for being the slob that he is.
C. Continue to assign him with the nastiest household chores possible.
D. Find out why he neglects his duties and ask him again to clean the bathroom.
E. Do none of the above. You choose an alternative response.

Putting it Together – Managing Your Thoughts & Emotions

While you may not have had exactly the same experience as illustrated above, most of us at some point in our lives would have experienced similar situations. How would these situations make us feel? Angry? Frustrated? Cheated? You name it. What about the thoughts that arise in our minds? Unless you are extremely tolerant or enlightened, you would experience at least some negative thoughts towards these individuals who disappoint you.

Review options A, B and C for each example. Option A represents an avoidant/passive approach; option B represents an aggressive approach; and option C represents a retaliatory approach. How effective are each of these actions? Although there is no 100% guarantee since each individual and situation differs to the next, we can imagine that these approaches are probably not very effective in achieving the desired outcome. Unless what you really want is to continue being angry (options A to C) or to make the other person suffer (options B and C).

Feeling negative emotions and thinking negative thoughts are completely normal. We are only human after all. But ask yourself: does this achieve the outcome that you want? Is seething with fury helpful? If it is – provided that it is not unduly harmful to yourself and others – by all means, hold on to your anger. Sometimes anger can move us into productive action. For example, protesting for a worthy cause.

However, if the anger does nothing more than pointlessly hurting yourself and others, why not let it go? Observe these negative thoughts and emotions and recognise them for what they are. Then simply release it to the air. You have no obligation to be a slave to your thoughts and emotions.

Review option D in each example. These represent an emotionally intelligent or skilful approach. Again, although there is no 100% guarantee, this option is likely to have the least negative effect on yourself and others.

So how can we act in this emotionally intelligent or skilful manner? This involves first being mindful of our own thoughts and emotions, then understanding how these may play out in the situation and what consequences each option may have. The next step is controlling those thoughts and emotions so you can choose and enact the most effective response.

Options A to D are by no means an exhaustive list of the possible actions that you can take in each situation – hence the extra option E. But what it demonstrates is that while there are many responses that you can choose from, some responses may be more effective than others. It is up to you to be mindful and skilfully select the best response that is of benefit to both yourself and others.

Will you be the master or slave to your thoughts and emotions? The choice is yours.

Written: 30 November 2008
Published in: Unibuds Sacca Dec 08/Feb 09 Edition "Mindfulness and Me"