Though one should conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, he who conquers his own self is the greatest of all conquerers.
-- Gautama Buddha --
Here we are - we have arrived at 2009! First day of the New Year is as good as any to reflect upon the past year.
2008 has been a massive year for me. I think that every year - that the past year has been the best in terms of my achievements and personal growth. However, 2008 is a year that I will remember for a very, very long time.
It has been a year of epic highs and lows. But I am truly grateful for my experiences, both good and bad, which have made me who I am today.
This is a time when many people are making their new list of New Years Resolutions. I'm thinking about mine right now.
Have you ever seen that lopsided expression on a teenager's face - where the mouth is turned upwards on one side only? This expression has probably appeared on your face at some point in your life. However, this lopsided smirk kind of expression is extremely hard to label for most people. So what is it?
It is the expression of contempt. When it appears on a rebelling teenager's face, it is a signal for the parents that new rules of engagement need to be negotiated if this relationship is to continue to work for both parties.
Why rebel? Often times parents have a hard time letting go of the old contract, the old rules of relating to the child. The child outgrows those old rules and is seeking more independence as he or she progresses into adulthood.
Sometimes the child is ready. Other times not. But in any case, eventually the child needs to find his/her own direction, own voice. When one is young, it is perfectly reasonable for the child to follow the parents wishes (most of the time), because parents are more experienced and they do know better. However, as the child grows up and times change - do parents always know better than the child just because they have more life experience?
You cannot always please everyone - and by definition, that includes your parents. Your parents care about you and want what's best for you. However, stemming from this love and concern for your well-being, they may put pressure on you to be who they want you to be or do what they want you to do. This may not necessarily coincide neatly with your own direction in life.
Therein lies the difficulty. Do we please our parents and sacrifice what we really want? Or do we follow our hearts even though it is against our parents' wishes?
Many people's experience is that they have indeed chosen the latter option. Yes, it is difficult to defy your parents' wishes. It is an extremely uncomfortable, unsettling feeling - especially for those of us who are close to our parents. But in the end - who is living your life? Your parents? No. It is you who needs to live with your choices.
If you constantly go through life trying to please your parents in every way, you are doing yourself a complete injustice. Why? Because it effectively cuts you off from great experiences that you could be having - the life that you could be living.
There is always a fear that if it all falls down, your parents will be proven right and the dreaded "I told you so" will happen. But you know what, you will make mistakes, but it is up to you to learn from them so you can do it differently next time.
This is not to say that we should be unreasonable and defy our parents for the sake of it. But if it is something that you really believe in, why not give it a chance? As long as you don't harm others.
So how can we reconcile what we want with what our parents want? I recently learnt a nifty technique called a balancing exercise. This is about getting real and balancing the positives with the negatives.
For any item e.g. starting a new job, list all the positives and then balance each positive with something negative. Allow me to demonstrate:
New Job/Career
Positive =>Negative New opportunities => New challenges Learning new skills => Forgetting skills that you don't get to use Money! => Less time for other things
What's the point of this? Often times we just think about the positives of what we are pursuing and neglect the possible negatives.
Newton's third law of motion states:
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
What happens is, while you're all gung-ho and optimistic about what you're going after, your parents are pulling in the opposite direction and raining on your parade.
What does this balancing exercise have to do with parental expectations and what we want? I think perhaps the best way to reconcile the two within yourself is to use our parents' opinions as the "negative" column, and use your own opinions in the "positive" column.
It may be hard to hear what your parents have to say about what you are pursuing, but there is often some truth in what they say. Yes, wisdom from the years that they've walked this earth. Although what they say may be opposed to what you think, there may be elements of their advice that could be incorporated into your thinking pattern.
While it is confronting to think about the negatives, it will keep you grounded and prepared for obstacles that may come. It may be this very opinion that keeps you in check, so you don't fly off with the fairies in the pursuit of your dream. The cold shower, the rain on your parade - call it what you will, but it may actually be good for you.
This is by no means a magic pill. Sometimes parents will continue to disagree with what you want. But at least you can resolve this dilemma within yourself rather than having this internal dissonance churning over and over again. Perhaps if you can show to the parentals that you are dealing with the conflict in a mature way, they will eventually accept things.
My six-year university career has finally come to a close. Is the door still open? Yes... Still slightly open. There are still a few loose ends to tie up and I don't want to close that door just yet. Six years. Six years is a very long time. Same as primary school, same as high school.
Six years. What have I learned in this block of six years? How have I changed in my last block of education... perhaps for the rest of my life? (Unless I come back to uni for another degree...)
It's been a long journey. Transitioning from a teenager to an adult. My life has taken a whole new direction. My path is becoming clearer. I'm walking down the path with so much excitement, passion and joy...
Do I look back? Yes. Learn from the past but don't dwell on it.
What's in stall for me down this path? I don't know. But as long as I do my best in the present, the future shines brightly in the distance.
In my short break to come before I start working... What to do with my time...?
Perhaps I can finally return to one of my long-time passions, which I have neglected for the past few years. A drawing that I began in 2003, at the beginning of my university career that I never completed... Almost forgotten. I have just rediscovered it. Perhaps I will complete this at the conclusion of my university journey. Or not. We shall see.
That fateful day... Friday 24th October at 4pm. My six-year university career will officially come to an end.
The coming three weeks will be extremely hard. As usual, I wish I could just skip the hard part and get to the end already. But just like Adam Sandler's character in the movie Click (2006), I realise you cannot afford to miss out on the process to get to the "good bits" because that is what makes the journey worthwhile. The hard work, the pain, the frustrations... Still... I can't wait to finish.
Every so often, a familiar sense of fear and anxiety creeps up. But instead of indulging in the fear, I acknowledge its existence and that it will pass. Then I turn my attention on how I have managed to survive the last six years working under high pressure and tight deadlines. At this crucial time, I need to believe that I can do it.
The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. Of course the butterfly cannot literally cause a tornado. The kinetic energy in a tornado is enormously larger than the energy in the turbulence of a butterfly. The kinetic energy of a tornado is ultimately provided by the sun and the butterfly can only influence certain details of weather events in a chaotic manner.
If you've ever seen the movie The Butterfly Effect(2004), starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart, you would know that a small change in the system can lead to massive, irreversible changes through a series of flow-on effects.
What does this mean in everyday life?
I remember an anecdote told by one of our Psychology professors at uni. As a young boy in high school, he was one of those class clowns, trouble-makers. Call him what you will. One day, as he was being his usual mischievous, obnoxious self - his teacher reprimanded him:
"When you go to university, you cannot behave that way."
Let's backtrack a bit. This was a boy who was not performing well academically and never in his wildest dreams even contemplated going to university. These words changed his life forever. How?
The key was in the word "when". The teacher said "when you go to university", not "ifyou go to university". At that moment, it was as if a light that the boy didn't even know existed had been switched on inside him. He never realised until that point that his teacher believed in him that much, despite his poor academic performance. His teacher saw something that he didn't see - that he was a bright boy underneath all the disruptive behaviours.
From then, he went on to do his PhD, became a professor in Psychology, had many successful publications, and the rest is history.
Profound isn't it? How that one word can have so much impact.
I can recall a couple of turning points in my own life to illustrate. Not one-word-changed-my-life stories, but more actions that perhaps people didn't realise would have such an impact on me. Although temporally spaced quite far apart - they were indeed defining moments that have made me who I am today.
Primary School When I was little, I loved to draw but I never thought I was that good. I took sketching classes in Hong Kong with my older brother and I was by no means the best in the class.
I was initially placed in a year 4 class when I first arrived in Sydney, even though I should have been in year 3. My teacher immediately took me under her wing.
In primary school, you often do art classes or have to draw for exercise book title pages. My teacher saw something special in me that I didn't see. She always encouraged me to draw and told me how beautiful my drawings were. My work would always grace the classroom display boards.
Coming from a culture where teachers didn't often give praise and encouragement to students, at first I thought she was lying. But after a while, I started believing her words and... believing in myself.
From then on, I continued to develop my art. At the age of 14, I probably produced the best drawing I have ever done (although a little sad... peaking at 14 years old). The following is a drawing that I did of a picture of a model from my Dolly-magazine diary back in year 9.
Amazing things happen when someone believes in you.
Winter Retreat 2008 The treacherous four-hour bush walk in the Sunnataram Forest was another defining moment in my life. As someone who is not keen on outdoor pursuits, it was an immense challenge - both mentally and physically - for me to climb rocks and dense bushes in the depths of a forest. I struggled and complained endlessly for the first half of the journey. I wanted it to end in a hurry and wished I was back in my comfy home, rather than getting myself all dirty in the wilderness.
However, during my times of struggle - many kind people lent their helping hand. They guided and walked with me to make sure I was safe, they recalled their first bush walk experiences to draw parallels on what I was feeling at the time, they encouraged me to keep going...
By the second half of the journey, despite my growing tiredness, I was coping much better with the rough terrain. And finally, we reached pot of gold on the end of the rainbow - The Cliff. I had my doubts about this Cliff - who cares about some stupid Cliff anyway? But seeing the world from mountain-top, the view took my breath away. This is what I achieved. I had reached the top.
Something I took away from this trip was that there are always obstacles in life. But with the support and encouragement from people around you - you can achieve what you initially thought was impossible.
Words cannot express how grateful I am to my fellow bush walkers for offering their support.
Flowing On Just as the butterfly does not cause the tornado, but rather, changes the trajectory of the tornado - others' speech and actions towards you do not create the path in your life. Rather, they act as a catalyst. Then only if you are receptive and proactive, can you find the strength within yourself to change your own destiny. But indeed, those catalysts are necessary ingredients to provide the impetus for change.
How many hearts do we touch by our kindness? What impact does that have on those individuals whose hearts you touch, who then go on to touch others' hearts? This is the Butterfly Effect.
Last night was the Thank You Dinner, which was for the Bodhi Nite Organising Committee to thank the helpers for all their efforts. Department heads and assistants had a chance to give a speech to say thank you to everyone. I actually abandoned my original planned speech seeing how no-one else had notes! So I just got straight to the point and thanked everyone from the heart. But for those who may be interested, the following is the original speech that I was going to give...
Thank You Dinner Speech
For those of you who may not know me... Hi, I’m Amy. I’m in my final semester of my Master of Org Psych, and… I like long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners… No, no, no. I’m not here to talk about that. =p
So my experience… It all started when I was approached by Ming De one time after Chinese Dhamma Talk. *Clear throat for MD voice*
MD:*MD Grinning* Hi Amy, how are you?
Do you know about Bodhi Nite? *Me nods*
Would you like to help out? *Me nods ok*
Would you like to be the Head of the Decoration Department?
Me:Whaaaaaat?!
I’ve watched the show in the past two years and I always meant to help out since I joined Unibuds this year but honestly, I didn’t expect to play a big part in it at all. I had my concerns about the time commitment since I’m writing a thesis this year and juggling a few things already – so more responsibility sounded like a swear word to me. But obviously, in the end I said yes and here I am now. =)
My Bodhi Nite Involvement
So a little background on my involvement: I was first and foremost the Head of Deco. But I also played a small role in the Sketch – yes, I was one of the Trees. Rock on Trees!! – yeah Rosie! I also took up the role of Pianist for the Finale Song and the Unibuds Song.
I’ll tell you a bit about each of my roles.
1. Organising Committee
Firstly, as a member of the OC, I had to attend meetings. The first OC meeting that I went to – I had no idea what to expect. I’ve never been on the Organising Committee for anything before and I also didn’t know what I was doing. What does the Deco Head do? Make things pretty? *Shrug* The first meeting – I thought it was pretty full-on and serious: meeting agendas, department updates and sometimes heated discussions… Very intimidating for a n00b like me.
It was such a great experience to be part of the OC though – one of the perks of being the “Head” is that I get an Assistant (Hi Emily), which I thought was really cool. It was awesome to get an insight into all the “behind the scenes” organising and planning of one of the biggest shows on campus. So… thank you OCs!
2. Head of Decoration Department
As the Head of Deco – it was my opportunity to be a leader. As I learnt more about my responsibilities, it was clear that it will take a lot of planning and hard work to do it well. Speaking of hard work, I have to thank my Deco team.
Thank you for helping me along the way by giving up your precious time to do some slave labour. Like making the Activity Posters and name tags, polishing the Buddha statue and packing Deco stuff into boxes in preparation for BN. And let’s not forget the actual setting up on the day – the Activity Board in the reception area, the stage & Green Room altar, flower arrangements and other important stuff… I couldn’t have done all that by myself – so thank you Deco team! Also, thank you to Linus for helping me with Deco and everything else.
I really enjoyed being Deco Head – it was a challenge but I have learned so much from doing it. I was constantly adding things into my Deco Report instead of writing my thesis, cos I thought that was more fun. But now that it’s over; I don’t have any more excuses to not write my thesis! Bugger.
Proud Deco Head with Awesome Activity Board
3. Sketch
So now a bit about me as a Tree… Hm… There’s really not that much to tell except that I was a Tree with spunk? No, really – it was a lot of fun being a part of sketch – however small my role was! Thank you to Khai Yi and Chris, the script writers and the Sketch team for the wonderful Sketch! And thank you to the Backstage Boys for preparing the Tree props for me and Rosie. We looked very attractive in it. *Thumbs up* Ha ha.
Me and Rosie - Tree 1 & Tree 2!
4. Pianist – Program Master Department & Choir Department
And finally – my role as a Pianist. I’ve always wanted to perform on the piano on stage in front of a huge audience – so this was my dream come true. I always tell my piano students “you have to make all your movements really big so the audience sitting right at the back of the auditorium can see what you’re doing!!” But it was all talk – cos I have never actually experienced it myself. So now I can tell them from experience.
I was terrified of playing on stage. I’ve never considered myself as a performer. I’ve certainly never accompanied singers or a choir for that matter. I was so stressed out about performing the week leading up to the show and the whole day during BN as well. Add that on to the stress of being a department head. Some of you probably would have noticed how stressed out I was.
But you know what? I got through it! I was so touched by everyone’s support – I really felt the lyrics of both the Finale Song and the Unibuds Song; especially the choruses. The choir was awesome – you guys did really well. It was also an amazing experience working with the Finale Song guys – I’ve never been involved in the process of creating a song – especially a song that is so meaningful. So I’m really honoured to be a part of that.
Accompanying for the Finale Song "Blossoms of Life"
Accompanying the Choir for the Unibuds Song
Conclusion
I still remember back in the May Pot Luck, when the department heads were being introduced, I had to get up here in front of everyone to talk briefly about Deco – which I knew practically nothing about at the time. I don’t think anyone noticed, but my legs were shaking because I was that nervous.
Before this experience, I never saw myself as a leader or a performer. I didn’t even think I was all that creative either. But this experienced has proved that I am all those things and more. I’m really proud of what I have achieved through this event. I’ve done things in the past that I’m proud of too, but I can honestly say that Bodhi Nite 2008 is the greatest achievement of my life so far.
Thank you to everyone who played a part – one thing that I’ve learnt being in Unibuds is that amazing things can happen when everyone works together towards a common goal. Look how much happiness we brought to the audience and ourselves.
Before I stop ranting, I want to say BN 2008 was an unforgettable journey. All the wonderful friends I’ve made; all the things I’ve learnt; and how much I’ve grown. I’ll never forget it.
